From Gweilo to Gringo

I spent my last night in Macau, propping up a bar for a couple of hours. Whilst I was waiting for a vaguely familiar face, I was browsing through my old text messages, all of them received since I arrived in Asia. Here they are, completely anonymised and out of context. My favourite is the first.

* Who are you?
* who said ur uglynone say thats to u. why u have to feel that way? u much thanksful with whats u're and greatful of all thats why dont u thanks with what god gave you
* What are you doing now. I want see you makelove. ok
* Maid will not come today
* When u back my frined she go
* I gto to macau on wed. Ok or not.
* When u come to hk. tomorrow my frined
* I'm in a kebab shop - drunk. No women around
* You shouldn't have had your hand down her top
* Glad you enjoying it. I'm still digging yours. Will try to rustle up some smut
* Tight arse
* Don't worry, i'll sit on your lap. Just don't bite me - i didn't get a tetanus jab
* You is a div
* Y i can't be with you
* Don't say i don'tt believe u
* Ok. if u dont know. it up 2 u i don't want play game
* I go 2 c u tomorrow. If u come back next week can I c u again or not
* Me too. I can't go alone i dont know here. Can u wait me. I go with friend
* How much u miss me?
* I'm just looking for a PRC translation resource for my back pocket
* I'll use my fingers or get some beauty to drop pieces of food into my mouth
* It took me 30 years to figure out how to use a knife and fork, so no chance
* Where r u now?
* Can't reply. I've had to sell my phone to pay my rent
* Oops sorry. Still you've done it to me before. Sleep well x
* On a bus in london town. To go upstairs or not is the question. Bit drunk, haven't eaten all day. On to meet a friend la la la. You ok?
* Am bit busy for abuse and not in the mood to be honest
* Isn't babe-abator when you masturbate over pics of babes?
* Yes but the driver dont know where is ur address. but i try to find it
* Ok tonight or tomorrow? What time hony?
* Besos. I saw you last night. My flight home tonight. take care always wish u happienest in ur life
* Only 34. She wasnt that bad. Gonna have to nail her - she isnt a fat heffalump either
* I pulled again last night - im in the form of my life. Yesterday it was the lovely L*** - she wouldnt let me shag her but she was VERY enthusiastic
* Hi, where r u?
* Test to start at 2130 will confirm if to proceed tomorrow later
* You where?
* You dont like? No pollem! I am sorry
* Sleep? I am sorry. You like me? How much?
* Now you want..?!
* Today I am sad. i see you i very happy. Thank. You like me?
* I dont know. To day I am sad
* Now i go out. i see you i vry happy
* Im ok. My flught is on Monday night. I hope I can see you
* I dont know any placeto set for a while here just to wait for the time to come for me to go back. i can go to your place even just for a while im here in the jet ferry station outside im just new here i dont know any safe place to go here
* Its this sat. Am chillin out now but v excited. Will be in HK now. where are you now?
* Young neil young. Hugh laurie...i aint wrong
* No room at casablanca. We're at opiarun a few doors down

I hope that was more interesting for you to read than it was for me to type.